I Want To Kiss You

Dedicated to my girlfriend, Celica.

“What’s the matter, Adachi?”, Shimamura asked

“N-nothing. I’m fine.” Adachi lied. Of course it was a lie. Something is always the matter. And it’s always the exact same thing. Sometimes, she felt it more strongly than others. But she always felt it. It was always there, pressing against her chest.

“Are you sure?” Shimamura replied with concern and care. Adachi could feel the tenderness in her voice. It soothed her, but at the same time… it made her even more anxious, even more tense. Because it still left her wanting more, more than she deserved, more than she could ever get. The more she loved Shimamura, the more she wanted her, and the more she hated herself for it. And part of her wished it could all stop.

But Shimamura continued.

“It’s just… When you hold me like this… it’s usually because something’s bothering you…”

Adachi was resting her head on Shimamura’s shoulder, her arms wrapped around her. Not too close to… take things too far, but still close enough to feel her against her. Adachi tried to not look at her face. At her lovely flowing hair she so desperately wanted to play with. At her beautiful eyes she so desperately wanted to stare into. At her soft skin she so desperately wanted to caress. At her lips that she… that she so desperately wants to meet with hers…

Adachi didn’t want to think about how badly she wanted to kiss Shimamura. Adachi couldn’t stop thinking about how badly she wanted to kiss Shimamura, ever since that dream last night, ever since she realized this morning that… she did want this, and she wanted this so desperately, and there was no point in lying to herself anymore.

Adachi couldn’t say anything. How could she? Shimamura was right. She could read Adachi like a book. There was no point in denying how she felt. But she couldn’t admit it. Even if she tried to, she had a lump in her throat that pressed down and almost made her want to throw up. So… she refused to try. She told herself that it was pointless. That it was impossible. Otherwise she would have hope. She couldn’t let herself have hope. It would just make it all the more painful. After all… why even ask when the answer might be “no”? When the answer will probably be ”no”? When the answer will definitely, without a doubt be “no”?

Adachi wanted to sit in the dream of uncertainty she had created for herself, because she was convinced that waking up would shatter it completely. That she would realize she wasn’t special to Shimamura, and that she never was. That all of it was a lie. She has lied to herself for so long. She could keep doing it. Nothing could stop her from dreaming. The dreams still hurt in the end, but they were still the best dreams she’d ever had. So she sat there, her eyes closed, in statis, holding Shimamura in silence.

“Adachi… You know you can tell me anything, right? There’s nothing you can’t talk to me about. No matter how… embarrassing or silly. You can trust me with anything. I promise.”

These gentle, caring, loving words slowly sunk into Adachi, and turned into guilt and fear. Guilt over hiding something like this from Shimamura. And fear, fear that she would see her silence as… a sign that she didn’t trust her enough to tell her anything. That she doesn’t love her enough. A feeling more intense and overpowering than her fear or rejection overwhelmed Adachi: the fear of her love for Shimamura not being believed. She had to say it. She had no choice. But it was so hard. It was impossible. The lump in her throat grew bigger and bigger. But she pushed herself.

“I.. I… I…”

She started shaking and tearing up as she desperately tried to get the words out. And then… she felt Shimamura tenderly pet her, and heard her talk with her calm, soothing, tender voice.

“It’s okay… You can say it… It’s okay.”

“I… want to kiss you…”

Adachi blurted it out without thinking, or even realizing she did.

In response, Shimamura laughed, before swiftly composing herself again.

“Sure, let’s kiss! Do you wanna do it right now?”

Adachi took a while to process what was happening. The fact that Shimamura responded positively. The fact that Shimamura was immediately and enthusiastically offering to turn her desires into reality. The fact that Shimamura was so cheerful and casual about something that had tormented her for weeks, if not months. It felt like such a complete disconnect from what she was experiencing, from what she had expected. She had dug herself so far into a dream state that she forgot what reality looked like. But Shimamura was living firmly in reality. And in spite of that, or perhaps, because of that, it didn’t feel real either.

“A-are you serious? R-really? Y-you’re okay with kissing me?” Adachi could never stop blushing around Shimamura, but at this point, she had become as red as a tomato.

Shimamura giggled gently before tilting her head and resting it against Adachi’s.

“I’m more than okay with it! I’ve actually thought about it a few times, but I wasn’t sure you’d be interested too, so I never brought it up!”

This answer baffled Adachi, who was convinced that she had been anything but subtle, and who used that conviction to tell herself that Shimamura wouldn’t want to kiss her, because, if she did, she surely would have told her before.

“Of course I want it!” she shouted, before shifting to a whisper, matching her usual quiet and reserved tone. “I want it really… really badly…”

A dam had broken in Adachi’s mind. The lump in her throat was completely gone, instead replaced by an uncontrollable urge to blurt out everything she wished she could do with Shimamura. But she still kept a hold of it. She still couldn’t believe this was happening. She couldn’t believe… something this good, something she wanted this badly could even happen to her. She didn’t understand what she did to deserve this. She didn’t understand any of this.

Meanwhile, Shimamura giggled again. Adachi had never seen her be this cheerful before.

“You’re so cute, Adachi! So, how do you want to kiss me? On the lips, I assume? Do you want to use your tongue too?”

Adachi was already blushing harder than she ever had before, but hearing this made her even redder. The fantasies she had convinced herself would never become a reality weren’t just being matched, they were being completely outdone. Seemingly, she was about to experience something she never even thought to dream about, because she believed she didn’t even deserve to have those dreams in the first place.

“I… I didn’t… I didn’t think that far…” she stuttered.

“Just tell me what you want, Adachi.” Shimamura replied, with conviction in her voice, which then shifted to enthusiasm. “I’ll do my best!”

“P-p-please just go wild…”

Adachi couldn’t believe what she was saying. She would have died of embarrassment and shame in any other circumstance, but in this moment, she was completely under Shimamura’s spell. And… the smile on her face, the sound of her laughter told Adachi that somehow… Shimamura wanted to hear that from her. Adachi’s fears and insecurities couldn’t match up to the clear reality that… Shimamura really did love her, that Adachi really was special to her, and that… both of them wanted the same things from each other all along.

As she was thinking that, Shimamura shifted around so as to face Adachi, and held her tightly in her arms.

“You are so adorable, Adachi… I’m so happy! You should have asked to kiss me ages ago!”

Adachi couldn’t help but agree. And she couldn’t help but feel that… being held by her felt different now. She no longer felt like a tiny kitten in her lap. Rather, she felt more equal in size to her. Both holding each other, both being held by each other. Adachi hoped that holding her would always feel like this. It felt… so good.

Tears of joy started running down Adachi’s cheeks. She couldn’t see Shimamura’s eyes well up too, but maybe she could still feel it.

Adachi always wanted Shimamura to take care of her. And she still did, but… maybe, Adachi could take care of her in return too. Adachi always looked up to Shimamura. Now, she was starting to look straight at her. Adachi always felt like Shimamura was the one who made her happy. But… maybe she could make Shimamura happy too. And realizing that made her happier than anything else.

All Adachi wanted all along… was to walk the same ground as Shimamura. To belong alongside her. To be with her, in every sense of the word. And as she kissed her… she felt like she could.

Light Inside

There is nothing but darkness surrounding me. And that darkness is mine. It is a part of me. And I do not dislike it. In fact, I quite like it. More so than the blanket that envelops me, constraining my every move. Sometimes, the blanket talks to me. And I talk back. The blanket says it wishes the best for me, that it is trying to help me. But it still weighs me down.

I came across a small box. The blanket says it is mine. That it gave it to me. I suppose I will accept it. It is an amusing little box. It keeps me occupied. When there is nothing but darkness surrounding me, it can be hard to feel like I am real. But this box helps. If it is mine, I must exist. It cannot belong to nobody, after all.

Today, the blanket told me I should open the box. I asked it what reason I could possibly have for doing so. The blanket says that if I open it, light will come out. What a ridiculous notion. There is no light here. There is nothing but darkness. And besides, I have no interest in any light. I know how dangerous and painful light can be. The darkness is fine.

Today, I realized how warm the box felt. The blanket say that it is warm because of the light inside. But that cannot be right. There is no light here. There is nothing but darkness. The blanket then asked me: If there is no light in the box, then why is it warm? I could not find an answer to that. The blanket said it is warm because there is light inside of it. I was unable to find a rebuttal to it. Perhaps the blanket is right. Perhaps there is light inside the box after all.

Over time, I started to seriously consider the possibility that there is light inside the box. The blanket, once again, encouraged me to open the box. Only this time, I was strongly considering doing it. And after being pushed by the blanket more and more, I finally opened the box. And a blinding, vibrant light came out.

I was shocked. But the blanket seemed even more shocked. It said that it never expected the light to be this bright. The light dimmed after a while, and I closed the box again. I thought that this light couldn’t possibly be mine. It couldn’t possibly belong to me. After all, I have no light. I have nothing but darkness.

In response, the blanket said that the box is undeniably mine. I had to agree. Then, it said that the light undeniably came from the box. Again, I had to agree. She concluded by saying that, given those two facts, the light is undeniably mine. And I had no choice but to agree. Somehow, this light is mine. Even though I never thought it could be, it is mine.

The blanket told me to treasure this box, and to treasure this light. I asked her why. Why should I treasure it if the darkness suits me fine? She replied that I should treasure the light because looking at it makes me happy, that it makes me feel more alive, and that more importantly, that light is part of me. I suppose it is right.

Every now and then, I open the box look at the light. I am surprised that it still remains so bright. The blanket is surprised too. It says that its lights have become much dimmer than what is inside the box, and that it was one of the reasons it knew the light belonged to me. And ever since I opened the box for the first time, the blanket has felt warmer too.

The Necklace

“Oh. It’s you.” Ophelia said, with a cold expression.

“It sure is.” said Grace. She didn’t seem too pleased to see Ophelia again either.

And why would she? The two of them hasn’t spoken since their argument months ago. Grace swore to never talk to Ophelia again. She had avoided her as much as she could. And yet, here they were, meeting up again.

The two girls stood there, a defiant expression on each of their faces. piercing each other with their gaze. Through their general demeanor, they both conveyed the same message to the other:

“I don’t need you. I am stronger and happier without you. And I don’t regret anything.”

Eventually, Ophelia had to break the silence.

“So, you found any new frienships that satisfy you?” she said with a snarky, sarcastic tone. “Found anyone good enough for you? Anyone who gives you the unquestioned support and infinte patience you apparently require, lest you push them away at the mildest show of disobedience?” She expressed that last sentence with more anger and bitterness as she raised her voice more and more.

But Grace maintained her composure. However, she sounded no less bitter as she quietly said the following:

“So you just want to hurt me, huh. That’s all you want anymore.”

Ophelia responded with a chuckle. She had seen this many times before from Grace, only this time, she was right. But Ophelia decided to drive the nail a little bit further. She knew she shouldn’t, she knew it wouldn’t help, but she wanted to get at least some satisfaction from all those hurt feelings she had been carrying for so long.

“Oh, please be reasonable Grace!” she declared dramatically. “Your interparetation of my actions and words realls lacks nuance here! Just because I happen to be hurting you, and making no effort to stop hurting you when you inform me that my actions cause you harm, that doesn’t necessarily mean I want to hurt you on purpose! Maybe you should try applying expert critical analysis to our social interactions instead of relying on your feelings! Maybe I’m the one who’s really hurting here!” Ophelia, once again, devolved into angry shouting.

She caught herself for a bit and continued, coldly and dispassionately this time.

“Yes, I did want to hurt you. I’m not really proud of it, but I will acknowledge it. I want to hurt you because of how much you’ve hurt me, and because of how little you cared about how the things you did made me feel.”

Grace simply shrugged in response.

“You know, I really thought you were gonna apologize for the way you treated me. I guess I shouldn’t have expected so much from you.” she said, with smug dissapointement in her voice.

Suddenly, Ophelia lost her cool completely and snapped at Grace.

“Me? Apologize to you? You really don’t understand, do you? I will never humiliate myself like that anymore! I will never bend down and apologize to you when you’re the one who should apologize to me! I will never beg you for forgiveness when you are the one who should be begging me for forgiveness! I will never make an effort to listen to you when you never listen to me! I will never, ever again grovel in front of you until you to accept me as your friend again, when being friends with you means giving and giving and giving and never recieving anything in return!”

Upon hearing this, Grace’s expression suddenly turned to sadness.

“Did… did I really not give you anything… nothing at all…” With tears in her eyes, her voice became filled with anger. “You liar! You’re lying again! I did so much for you, Ophelia!”

Ophelia started tearing up too. “No, you’re correct. You have, unquestionably done a huge amount for me for me. You really did. You… you used to make me happy. At times, immensely so. But… that’s all in the past. That doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is what you are doing now, and right now, you are doing far more harm to me than good.”

After that, the two wiped their tears as they stood in cold silence again, neither of them quite sure what to say. This time, Grace was the one who broke it.

“Do you think we can ever be friends again?” she asked, almost overwhelmed with emotion

Ophelia replied with a shrug.

“Probably not.” she answered candidly. “In addition to a mere apology, which is apparently beyond your capabilities, you’d have to actually make amends and redeem yourself entirely. Good luck with that!”

Grace responded to this snark with her own.

“Yeah, and you don’t believe in redemption, so sucks to be me, I guess.”

“I do! I absolutely believe in redeption!” Ophelia explaimed, clearly feeling very insulted by this accusation. “But redemption is for people who used to be shitty and who have since turned a new leaf! Not for people who are still being shitty!”

Ophelia continued her speech, this time taking a more impassioned, empathetic tone.

“You can redeem yourself Grace. But you’d have to make a sincere, real effort. You can’t rely on the good you gave people in the past. That’s not gonna heal anything. And you can’t make insincere half-apologies. That’s not gonna fly anymore. And you need to actually listen to others and stop expecting other people to be the ones who listen to you. And you can’t keep complaining about how bad you feel and making things about yourself even though you’re the one who hurt others. And you can’t ask other people to just forget the times you’ve hurt them. You… have hurt many people a lot… and we can’t just forget that…”

But Grace responded with complete apathy and disinterest.

“I’m not looking for forgiveness. I don’t need to be forgiven. I need people who actually love and support me. Not traitors like you.”

At this point, the pain and bitterness and fustration that was boiling inside of Ophelia finally got the better of her.

“I hate you. I hate what you’ve done to yourself.” she said through her tears.

“Good.” Grace replied coldly. “I hate you too. I hate you for lying to me for so long. Why did you pretend everything was fine? What made you think that was okay?”

Ophelia took a deep breath. She wanted and needed Grace to understand what she was about to say.

“I wanted everything to be fine. I wanted everything to be fixed. I was hoping that… if i just ignored all of the issues, that if I simply followed you in silence for long enough, things would naturally get better. And… I was hoping I could fix things. But obviously I only made things worse…”

The tears came back, but Ophelia wasn’t done talking.

“Grace, I tried so, so hard with you. I really did. From the bottom of my heart, I truly believed in you. I had so, so much patience and tolerance towards you, but you wore it down, chipping away at it, little by little, until there was nothing left. I tried to support you and be there for you, even as you acted bitter and violent towards me. I desperately tried to fix our friendship, even as you continued to do awful thing after awful thing. And… as soon as I do one tiny thing for myself, I’m confronted with verbal abuse from you. Just… please find other people to help you no longer be a shitty person. I’m done with you. I really, really wanted you to be a good person Grace, I needed you to be a good person, but I don’t anymore.”

Ophelia took a few seconds to breathe deeply, during which Grace, clearly sick of being lectured like this, bluntly interjected:

“So… are you done?”

“No, I’m not done!” shouted Ophelia, tears once again welling up in her eyes. “I still have… I still wanted to say that… in spite of everything… you still meant a lot to me… and you still mean a lot to me… and I’ll never forget that. The wonderful memories I had with you… the happiness you gave me… my love for you… those were real. Those things were very real and I hope… that over time… all of the pain will be gone, and all that will be left is… the happy moments we once had.”

Hearing this made Grace cry too. Eventually, the two girls wiped their tears away once more. And once she calmed down completely, Ophelia concluded with the following:

“But it’s still just a distant memory. And it’s probably never coming back. And I can live with that. I just hope you can too.”

Suddenly, Ophelia reached into her pocket. Out of it, she pulled a beautiful necklace, once that was clearly hand-made.

“Remember when you promised me you’d make me a necklace?” Ophelia asked.

“Yes,” Grace responded, “that was very shortly before… our friendship officially ended. I still don’t understand why you wanted it. Clearly you already didn’t like me back then.”

“I didn’t,” Ophelia conceded, “but I still cared about you as a person. And I still found value and importance in the things you did. And I still wanted you to be happy, and I knew making necklaces made you happy, so I wanted to give you the opportunity to do so. I wanted to give you the kindness you refused to give yourself. But most importantly… I like your necklaces. You make very good necklaces. Much better than the necklaces I make.”

“And yet, you decided to make one yourself instead?” Grace replied, with slight confusion in her voice.

“I was very upset that you were no longer able to honor my request.” Ophelia explained. “But then I told myself… I don’t need you to do it. I can do it myself. And after all, the best gifts are the ones you give yourself. Like… cutting someone you dislike out of your life. Or refusing to bend over backwards for people who fail to appreciate what you do for them.”

Grace ignored the blatant shade Ophelia continued to throw at her, and instead, simply shook her head.

“Ophelia… You know that’s not true. You know the best gifts are the ones we share with the ones we love.”

“Yeah… Like the anime we never finished.”

“Like the games we never played.”

“Like the passions we never shared.”

“Like the time we never spent together.”

Ophelia sighed wistfully. She reached her hand out to Grace, still holding the necklace in it, and spoke.

“I think you should have this.”

In response, Grace laughed.

“Really Ophelia? After talking about how much you’ve given to me and how much I’ve taken from you, you’re still giving this to me?”

“What can I say?” Ophelia shrugged. “I’m a really good friend! I’m loyal and patient and forgiving and supportive! And you’re really going to regret pushing me away when you realize that most people just aren’t as good as me!”

“Oh Ophelia…” Grace sighed. “I’m not interested in the necklace you made just to spite me. I don’t want anything from you anymore. I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. I’m leaving from your life. And I’m never coming back.”

“Too bad Grace! You know how stubborn I am!” Ophelia responded as she flung the necklace on top of Grace’s head.

It fell directly to the ground.

There was nobody else there but Ophelia. She was completely alone. Of course, she still had friends, and very good ones too. Friends who gave her love and support, who listened to her, and who tried their hardest to be the best friends they could be. But with her thoughts, she was alone.

She looked down at the ground, where the necklace fell.

“Maybe Grace will find this necklace and pick it up.” she thought to herself. “But she probably won’t.”

“Besides, she probably wouldn’t exactly be pleased with it.”

Second Place

“I never knew you were so good at swimming, Clara!”

Clara and Charlie were sitting on the bench, as usual. Charlie looked very pleased. Clara, on the other hand, seemed much more contemplative.

“I… I suppose I am… I didn’t know either…” she replied, pensively.

She could barely believe it herself. Clara never really felt like she was much good at anything. And yet… it seemed like she was a really good swimmer. She was convinced that Charlie had made a mistake, she couldn’t possibly have gotten a better time than than everyone else in the class. But all those who were watching her confirmed that she was swimming incredibly fast.

“You know…” mentioned Charlie, “once you get graded on our swimming, I bet you’ll finish faster than anyone else too!”

Upon hearing this, Clara’s face suddenly took a sad expression.

“No… It won’t happen… I know I won’t come first…” she sighed.

“Clara…” said Charlie, clearly shocked. “What do you mean?”

Clara took a bitter tone as she started to explain.

“Because I’m never number one… I’m always number two… You’ve noticed it, right? In every game I play… in every contest I join… In everything I do… I always come second… I always have… and I always will… It’s like a curse… “

“But Clara,” protested Charlie, “isn’t that a pretty good curse? You’re second at so many things! Do you know how hard it is to come in second? You have the second best grades in our class! Do you know how many kids there are in our class? That’s super impressive!”

“I know that!” moaned Clara. “But I don’t want to always come in second! I want to be first at something! At anything!”

“I have a whole cabinet full of silver medals.” she solemnly proclaimed. “I would trade all of them for a single gold.”

“Hey Clara… it’s okay.” smiled Charlie reassuringly. “You’re number one in my heart.”

Clara simply rolled her eyes in response.

“See, that’s not true either Charlie.” she responded bluntly. “You spend more time with Steven than me. Clearly, he is number one in your heart. Not me.”

Charlie didn’t know how to respond to this. As much has he hated to admit it, she was mostly right. Steven and Clara were pretty much equally important to Charlie, with nobody else really coming close. But obviously, that wasn’t good enough for her. Being tied in first place with someone else is just as good as being in second place, after all.

“Well… uh…” Charlie stammered, before changing the subject. “You’ll get there eventually! You’re not cursed, Clara. It’s only a matter of time until you become number one at something. And hey. Maybe it’ll be this. Maybe swimming is your golden opportunity!”

But before Clara could respond to this, the two heard a cold, harsh voice behind them.

“You’re wrong, Charlie.”

They both instantly recognized that voice as Ruby’s. As soon as they turned around to face her, Clara exclaimed:

“See Charlie! Even Ruby thinks-“

“Not maybe. You will definitely win.” Ruby interrupted.

Suddenly, Clara froze in shock. Definitely? She would definitely win? Ruby never said anything unless she was absolutely sure it was true. So how could she say that?

Clara and Charlie were going to ask her why she was so certain of this, but the shocked and puzzled look on their faces told Ruby everything she needed to know. So she continued:

“I have examined Clara’s body.”

“E-examined?” Clara blushed

“Yes. It is perfect.” Ruby replied, with certainty in her voice

“P-perfect?” Clara blushed even harder

“Perfect for swimming.” Ruby clarified. “Unless she becomes unfit, has an accident, gives up, or is sabotaged, Clara will, without question, come in first.”

“Without question huh…” Clara replied.

“It’s what I told you!” shouted Charlie. “You’re really good Clara!”

Clara took a very pensive expression. If there was one person she could trust to tell the truth, it was Ruby. And as little as she believed in herself, her belief in Ruby overpowered her lack of self-confidence.

“Thank you Ruby”, she said as she smiled, sounding confident and determined. “I’m going to do it. I’m going to win this race. I’m going to swim faster than everyone else. I’m going to be number one, this time, for real!”

“Yeah!” shouted Charlie. “You’ll do it, and I’ll support you every step of the way! But uh…”

He turned to Ruby as he took a more concerned tone, and continued

“Ruby… maybe you shouldn’t… examine people without their consent, okay?”

“Noted.” Ruby nodded.

Stay Strong

CONTENT WARNING: this story is about emotional exhaustion and also brings up the topic of depression

“Charlie, you need to calm down.” said Clara.

Charlie was furiously pacing around his bedroom, holding his head in his hands.

“No.” he responded harshly. “I can’t. I won’t. I need to figure out a way to make this work. We could watch a movie, there’s a great movie that I’m sure can make her realize that-“

“You’re trying to control her life!” she interrupted with concern. “I know you mean well but please, you have to stop!”

“I won’t stop!” he shouted. “I’ve almost got this Clara, please, just let me-“

“You’re not thinking clearly Charlie!” she said, cutting him off again as she raised her voice. “You’re only making things worse!”

“Well that just means I need try harder, right?” he replied, his voice increasingly twisted and broken with every new word he spoke. “I’ll just keep trying. I’ll keep going. I won’t give up, I can’t give up. I need to do this. I won’t stop, I refuse to stop…”

As Charlie continued to ramble on, Clara noticed the mess he had made of his hair, the bags unerneath his eyes, how pale his face was and how jittery his body was. She started to feel sick, her legs began to shake, her eyes started to well up. But she needed to get through to him.

“Charlie…” she pleaded. ” Please… You are destroying yourself…”

“So?” he responded, in a nonchalant yet clealy pained tone. “A bit of self-destruction never did anyone any harm! It’s fine!”

Clara couldn’t deal with this anymore. With tears in her eyes, she shouted:

“You’re not responsible for her happiness!”

Suddenly, Charlie stopped pacing, his body visibly shaking.

“I refuse to accept that… I refuse… Because… if I don’t make her happy… if I don’t make sure she’s happy… then… then who will…”

As he said this, his legs couldn’t handle his weight anymore, and he collapsed to his knees.

“I will.” reponded Clara calmly and firmly. “I’ll make her happy.”

“Clara…” begged Charlie, as he looked up to her. “Please don’t… You don’t have to do this… I’ll do it… Please…”

“Why don’t you want me to do it, Charlie?” asked Clara, in a tone that was slightly initimidating yet still restrained. “Is it because you don’t trust me? Is it because you don’t think I can make her happier?”

“N-no… It’s not that…” protested Charlie weakly.

“Or,” continued Clara, her voice more and more filled with emotion, “is it because… you’re trying to protect me… because you know how much it can hurt… to try and help people who are hurting… how much it weighs on you… digs into you… so you’re keeping that pain for yourself… and refusing to share it with anyone…”

Tears ran down Clara’s face as she kneeled down in front of Charlie, hugged him, and continued to talk:

“I know how you feel. And I just want to tell you… you can share that pain with me. It’s okay.”

As soon as he heard this, Charlie started weeping, and through his tears, he let all of his pent-up feelings out:

“I… I try to be strong… because I have to be… I have to be strong to help people… but… but I’m not strong… I’m weak… and frail… and tired… and seeing the people I care about hurt… gets to me… it hurts me too… but I have to stay strong… I have to pretend it’s okay… because if I don’t, they’ll feel guilty… they’ll hurt even more… and I can’t do that to them… I can’t even admit it to myself… because I have to be honest… I can’t lie to my friends… so I have to stay strong… and usually I can do that… usually it’s okay… but… but for her… I can’t… she’s hurting so much… all the time… it never stops… I feel her pain… it never stops… no matter how hard I try… it never stops… and I hate myself for it… I hate myself for letting it hurt me… because it’s not her fault… it’s not her fault… I can’t accept that… her pain causes me pain… because… she’s the one hurting… not me… I shouldn’t be hurting… I should be strong… I need to be strong… I want to take away from her pain… I don’t want to add to it… I want to soak it all up… absorb it inside of me… but I don’t do that… I just multiply it… she doesn’t hurt any less… but I hurt more… I want to hurt more… if it means she hurts less… but she doesn’t… she doesn’t at all… I just hurt more… and because I hurt more… I help her less… and… if she finds out… that I’m hurting… it’ll bounce right back onto her… hurt her even more… if I let my pain out… it will just spread… so I try to contain it inside me… but I can’t… because I’m not strong enough… but I need to be strong enough… and stay strong… so that I can get rid of all this pain…”

After this monologue, Charlie started crying and crying. But Clara was here for him. In a soft, protective tone, she comforted him as well as she could.

“It’s okay Charlie. It’s okay. You can be weak around me. I promise it won’t hurt me.”

“Don’t lie to me Clara…” he continued to cry. “I’ve hurt you… I’m hurting you right now…”

“No…” Clara replied, stroking his hair. “This is nice. Wouldn’t you agree?”

“Y-yes…” Charlie blushed.

Clara chuckled.

“You’re always doing so much for others.” she said, in the same gentle tone. “And when I see someone do that, I always think…”

“…don’t they need comforting too?”

As he completed her sentence, Charlie was struck by how well Clara understood him. But he quickly realized why she did.

“You do so much for others too…” he went on to say, as his tears dried up. “You spend so much time with them and give them so much love… It must be so exhausting… I worry about you a lot…”

“But I don’t do as much as you do.” claimed Clara. “I know when to take a break. I’ve learnt to do that. You need to learn to do that too!”

“I… I can’t take a break.” said Charlie harshly, clenching his teeth. “I just… can’t.”

Upon hearing this, Clara asked herself: why? Clearly, there was a reason Charlie was like this. But come to think of it… he wasn’t like this at all when they first met. He’s only been bending himself in half to support people since…

And that was when she realized. She realized why Charlie was acting like this. And so, she had to ask him:

“Charlie… This is all because of the swimming competition, right?”

Charlie started tearing up again. With a determined tone, he declared:

“I need to make up for what I did to you… I… I…”

“It’s okay Charlie.” Clara repeated. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay!” Charlie shouted. “It never will be okay! You almost died! I… I almost killed you…”

“Charlie…” Clara stammered in response. “If… if I… hadn’t entered that competition… you wouldn’t be…”

“Don’t say that…” he pleaded, interrupting her again. “Please… please… don’t say that…”

“Okay…” she said weakly. “But please… try to forgive yourself… I forgive you… everyone forgives you… I want you to forgive yourself…”

“I… I’ll try.” Charlie promised.

“Thank you.” said Clara.

“Thank you too Clara… thank you so so much…” Charlie responded.

“It’s okay.” Clara said, one more time. “It’s okay.”

Charlie wished he could properly express his gratitude towards her. But he still wanted to ask one last thing of her.

“Can… can this be a thing… can crying in each other’s arms… be a thing… we can do again… some other time…”

“I’d like that…” Clara smiled as she cried some more.

She stroked Charlie’s hair one more time.

Charlie blushed again.

Seesaws

(For the purposes of this story, the word “seesaw” will refer to one of the two sides of a seesaw. Do not @ me.)

Charlie found himself in front of a pair of seesaws. One of them was up, and the other was down. Which is generally how seesaws exist in their natural state.

Immediately, he realized that the bottom one was underwater. “This can’t stand”, he thought. “Seesaws can only survive underwater for so long. I can’t stand the thought of letting this poor seesaw drown! I will not sit idly by as I witness its demise!” he boldly announced with his brain.

And so, he moved his hand underneath the bottom seesaw and pushed it upwards. However, he soon realized that, as he lifted it out of the water, the top seesaw sank down into the water. After all, it’s just how seesaws work.

“Oh no!” he thought. “I need to help this other seesaw!” So he moved his hand under the seesaw that was now underwater and pushed it upwards. Unsurprisingly, this moved the first seesaw all the way back down into the water.

“Aaaaaah!” he thought, exasperated. Still holding one seesaw with one hand, he pushed the other seesaw upwards. However, while this did cause the underwater seesaw to rise up a little bit, it caused the other one to drop down a lot more. As a result, now both of them were underwater. This is just another quirk of seesaws.

Charlie didn’t know what to do. So, he just let go of both seesaws. The results were disastrous: both seesaws dropped even lower underwater. No, clearly Charlie was helping these seesaws. They needed him. They just needed him too much.

So Charlie kept pushing the seesaws, trying to find the perfect equilibrium between them that would put both of them over the water. But he eventually realized that… there was no such equilibrium. No matter what he did, one of them would always be underwater. It was inevitable.

So, he decided to change his tactics. Seesaws can’t stay underwater for too long. But that doesn’t mean they can’t ever be underwater at all. It wasn’t ideal, but… if he just alternated which seesaw was underwater at any given time… it would probably be okay, right?

And so, that’s what he did. Pushing either seesaw up alternatively, over and over and over. Making sure that none of them stayed out of the water too much longer than the other. It wouldn’t be fair, after all, regardless of how much he liked each of the individual seesaws.

And then… more and more seesaws started popping up. Charlie couldn’t complain, he loved all the seesaws, but he still felt like had a responsibility towards preventing them from drowning. So he kept going, taking care of any seesaw that happened to be underwater, checking every seesaw to see if it needed his help, and if not, moving on to the next one.

And then… he started bleeding. Clearly, having to push all these seesaws took a toll on Charlie’s hands, and he needed to find a way to recover. Not the sake of his own comfort, but because he knew that, if his hands were wounded, he would no longer be able to support all these seesaws as well.

But… as long as some seesaws were still underwater, it was impossible for his wound to heal. So… he closed his eyes, and imagined all the seesaws, happily and comfortably staying over the water. And… it worked. His hands got better.

When Charlie opened his eyes again, he saw a disastrous scene. All of the seesaws were underwater. Quickly, he frantically got back to pushing them up again. He couldn’t let this happen again. And he didn’t, even as his hands started bleeding again. He started getting tired, and upset, and frustrated. And eventually, in his frustration… he slammed one of the seesaws downwards.

This was a terrible mistake. Not only was this seesaw now in a terrible shape, his wound grew even deeper and more painful. He needed to find a way to deal with it. He had to. He couldn’t keep going like this.

This was when Charlie realized… One of the seesaws… wasn’t underwater. In fact, it rarely seem to ever dip underwater. It appeared very stable and reliable, as seesaws go. So he moved over to the seesaw, and gently pressed his hand on it. The seesaw dipped down a bit, but not enough to end up underwater. And Charlie’s hand… healed.

From then on, Charlie understood how to make sure every seesaw was okay. He’d press up on the seesaws that were underwater, and when his hand got tired, he’d press down on the seesaws that he knew could handle it. Over time, he realized that some of the seesaws that required the most support could sometimes provide him support as well, just as long as he pressed down on them in the right way. And thanks to his increased familiarity with them, he kept getting better and better at it. While he couldn’t prevent any seesaw from ever being underwater, none of them would ever drown on his watch, and all of them were grateful for his presence.

And then, Charlie heard an alarm ring.

“What a strange dream,” he thought as he woke up. “Seesaws don’t act like that at all.”

He was right, of course. After all, seesaws still have agency other other seesaws and their own seesaw selves.

Monster

CW: self-loathing

Arthur couldn’t deal with this. He couldn’t deal with the fact that two of his closest friends were upset at each other. He could ignore it, for a while, but it would just keep coming back and hit him like a spear in the chest, and whenever it did, it would hurt so, so much. And since he comitted himself to remaining friends with both of them, this would be his cross to bear for the rest of his life.

He was bitter. He was angry. And he was ashamed of the fact that he felt that way towards someone he held in such high regard as Ophelia. Someone who had done so so much for him. Someone he genuinely loved. But he still couldn’t chase those feelings away.

He had to do something. He couldn’t just let things stay this way.

“What’s wrong, Arthur?” asked Ophelia.

Arthur was always reluctant to be honest about his feelings, out of fear of hurting people. But there were times where his negative feelings overwhelmed him too much for him to be able to hide them.

“I’m still… really upset… about you and Delilah…” he hesistantly muttered.

Ophelia sighed. “This again.” she thought. “He really doesn’t want to get over it, does he…”

“Listen Arthur,” she explained. “I’m over it…”

“Well, I’m not.” interrupted Arthur in a stern, cold voice. He couldn’t stand how little Ophelia seemed to care about this. “And neither is Delilah. She is… still hurting a lot over this…”

Ophelia shrugged. “I fail to see how my actions an be faulted, or how they merit an apology directed towards her, if that is indeed what you desire.”

“You hurt her! It’s your fault she’s hurting!” said Arthur, failing to contain his anger

Ophelia was shocked at how cold Arthur was being. But she didn’t let that phase her, and continued to act aloof and disinterested.

“Her feelings are not my responsibility. You clearly fail to consider the fact that she upset me initially, and that I merely acted defensively. I cannot be expected to put her own feelings above mine when she adamantly refused to do the same. And if she still is hurting… it is up to her to deal with that, and quite frankly, I couldn’t care less.”

Arthur was shocked at how heartless Ophelia was. Did… did she really care so little about Delilah’s feelings? Was he really friends with someone like that? Did… did he even want to be?

“Ophelia… I’m… I’m not sure you’re a good person right now…” he stammered. “And if you’re really going to be like this then… I don’t know if I… really want to be friends with you”

Arthur expected Ophelia to react to this with concern. He expected her to be scared of losing her frienship with him, maybe even to apologize. But instead, she held her ground and refused to move.

“It would… be deeply dissapointing to me if you were to end our friendship over something so minor.” she lectured. “And doubly so if you were to choose her over me. I thought our relationship was more important to you than that, Arthur.”

Arthur started tearing up in response to this. Of course their frienship was important to him, of course, he absolutely couldn’t bear the thought of ever losing it, but…

“I’m just really upset about this…” he admitted weakly. “I don’t want my friends to be mad at each other…”

Ophelia shrugged again. “As I stated previously, I am over it. She is the one who is still upset about this. I, meanwhile, no longer have any negative feelings regarding her. Thus, she is the one you should confront about this.”

But Arthur couldn’t do that, for reasons he couldn’t admit to himself, let alone Ophelia.

“I just want you to acknowledge that you hurt her” he said calmy, wiping his tears. “That’s all I want.”

“Okay.” said Ophelia, clearly frustrated. “I hurt her. She feels bad because of me. Are you satisfied now?”

Of course, Arthur wasn’t satisfied with this passive-agressive reply. Deep down, what he wanted was for Ophelia to feel guilty for what she did to Delilah. And as soon as he realized this, he realized what he had done.

He had tried to hurt Ophelia out of sheer spite and resentement. He didn’t want to fix her friendship with Delilah, he just wanted her to feel bad. He even went so far as to hold their frienship hostage in order to do so.

What an awful, awful thing to do, he thought.

“I’m sorry…” he stammered as he broke down crying. “I’m so sorry…. I… I gave in to anger and spite and let it control me… I saw how much she was hurting and it hurt me too and I lashed out… I said… such horrible things to you… I… I’m… I’m sorry…”

Arthur didn’t know if he could ever fix what he had done. He had caused a wound too deep to ever heal. He couldn’t un-say what he had said to her. But he still wanted to try. So he wiped his tears and continued:

“I don’t think youre a bad person. No… I know you’re not a bad person. After everything you’ve done for me I could never believe that. And… I would never end our frienship. Not over this or anything else. I… need it. I really do…”

After hearing this. Ophelia rested her palm on the back of Arthur’s hand, looked straight in his eyes, and responded:

“Arthur, it’s okay. I understand. You just got upset becuase you saw someone you care about immensely be upset. I isn’t wrong for you to feel the way you did. But… taking it out on me won’t help anyone…”

“Of course not… of course not…” he replied.

“… and you should have been honest and told me this was about your feelings in the first place, not hers…”

“… you’re right… you’re right… I’m sorry…”

“… and… what happened bewteen us has nothing to do with you, so there’s no reason for you to take it personally like that…”

“… I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I messed up…”

“Well…” she smiled, “I’m glad you are capable of recognizing this. I have never been reluctant to give forgiveness, and I forgive you.”

But Arthur didn’t feel like he deserved forgiveness. He felt intense shame at being this cruel to someone as kind to him as Ophelia was. Someone who had a massive positive impact on his life and constantly gave him love and support. Someone who still showed him warmth and comfort, even now, even after what he had done to her. And it’s not like this was the first time he lashed out at her like this. How is it fair for her to be friends with him? How could she possibly put up with this?

Maybe she’s just too blinded by affection towards him to realize how bad he is for her. Maybe she should just… leave him. But of course, he would never let her do that. Because he’s a monster, and monsters never let go of their prey.

Arthur pulled his hand away from hers and slapped himself in the face. Immediadely, Ophelia reached out and grabbed it again.

“You need to calm down Arthur.” she said, with a sharp tone of panic and concern in her voice.

Arthur started crying again.

“I… I turned into a monster… I keep… turning into a monster… Am I… going to become that monster one day…” he weeped.

“No.” said Ophelia. “You’re not going to. You are a good person Arthur. Truly.”

“How… can you say that… after today…” he asked, sobbing uncontrollably.

“Because I’m your friend.” Ophelia explained. “I’ve been your friend for a while. I am fully aware of the lengths you are willing to go in order to help those you care about. I know how much effort you dedicate towards improving the lives of others, as well as how much you want and try to be a better person. And even if your bad feelings get the better of you at times… that doesn’t make you a bad person. I can absolutely, unequivocally guarantee this.”

“Okay…” Arthur replied, as he wiped his tears away once again.

“I’m still here for you.” she reassured him. “I’m not going away.”

When he heard this, Arthur started crying again.

“Thank you… Thank you so so much…” he weeped.

Ophelia responded with a smile.

“You… you really need to deal with your emotions better.” she claimed, in a concerned tone.

“I… don’t know how to do that…” Arthur said, sounding defeated.

“Please try.” Ophelia asked.

“Okay…” Arthur replied, still sounding unconvinced.

“I’m worried about you, you know?” said Ophelia.

“I’m worried about me too.” said Arthur.

Won’t Let Go

“Ruby… I uh… I think… I think I need some distance from you.”

It was very difficult for Arthur to say these words. He loved Ruby. No… he was in love with her. He loved her with all his heart. Passionately. Intensely. So much thet he… didn’t really know what to do with it. So much that it felt… wrong. Because… he knew how one-sided it was.

And that’s why it hurt so much to be around her. A romantic relationship with her would not work. They tried it and it didn’t work. It was for the best that they weren’t together. He knew this.

And yet… it still hurt. The fact that they weren’t together anymore still upset him. He hasn’t even realized it. He’d buried it down deep inside himself and never acknowledged it.

But seeing her spend so much time with Clara… it made his feelings burst, and he couldn’t ignore it anymore. Ruby was hurting him. She wasn’t trying to, she wasn’t even really doing anything, but she was hurting him.

Sço, he figured it was better for both of them if he told her he didn’t want to be as close to her. He was already being more and more distant with her, so this was just him being honest.

And it’s not like Ruby would mind anyway. She probably didn’t really want to spend time with him anymore. And, as everyone knew, she wasn’t exactly an emotional person. So it would be fine. It would be fine. She’s be okay. It was going to be okay.

But upon hearing what Arthur said, Ruby wasn’t fine. She wasn’t okay. It wasn’t okay at all.

She became overwhelmed with… a feeling she didn’t understand. She’d never experienced it before. But she knew that it wasn’t pleasant. She wanted it gone, she wanted to stop feeling this… emotional pain.

Yes. that’s what it was. Emotional pain. For the first time ever, she was genuinely hurting. And as soon as she realized this, it make her feel strangely… pleased.

Some people keep their emotions bottled up inside of them because they’re too ashamed to show them. Arthur is one of these people, he is just… particularly bad at keeping a lid on them. But Ruby is not one of those people. She is the opposite. She would happily show her emotions! In fact, she constantly tries very hard to do so. She just… doesn’t have them. The bottle is wide open. There is no lid. It’s just… empty.

Which is why, as soon as she realized what she was feeling, she cried and cried and cried. Tears started flowing from her eyes like a waterfall. Arthur had never seen anything like it, and he certinaly didn’t expect Ruby to be capable of it. And very quickly, the sheer joy Ruby felt at finally being able to cry combined with the intense pain she was experiencing made her cry even more.

But she still wanted to know why. Why was she crying? What was hurting her? Arthur wanting distance from her, obviously, but… why? She doesn’t exactly need him…

And then, something deeping inside her screamed that she did need him. She needs Arthur. She never even realized how much she needed him. Nor did she realize, until now, how much it hurt her to see him drift away from her more and more. How much the wall that had formed bewteen them upset her. She told herself it was okay. That it was fine. But it wasn’t. It wasn’t at all. And in spite of her best efforts… she did bottle these feelings up. Maybe she was learning more from Arthur than she thought.

Ruby never thought this would happen. She thought Arthur would always stick by her. She really, truly was certain that he would never push her away like that. Others, maybe. But not her. She was special to him. Why did she think she was special to him? Why… did she want to be special to him so badly?

Maybe she took him for granted… No, she definitely did, she definitely failed to nurture her friendship with him because she was certain it was safe, and she was so frustrated at herself for doing it… Frustration… Anger… Those were also new feelings for Ruby…

“What else have I repressed?” she asked herself as she wiped her tears away. “What other powerful emotions am I capable of? What other feelings have I buried inside me? Can I… truly feel like everyone else can?”

But answering these questions would come later. For now, she wanted only one thing, and that was Arthur.

Ruby was generally a very rational, reasonable person. And one would expect her to do the right thing here, which is to honor Arthur’s wishes and let him keep his distance from her.

That is not what Ruby did. Instead, she lunged at Arthur, grabbed his body tight, and simply said:

“I won’t let go.”

Arthur was still completely shocked at Ruby’s behaviour. This… this wasn’t Ruby. This couldn’t be, it had to be someone else. But he still managed to hesistantly yelp:

“R-Ruby… P-please, let go…”

“I won’t let go!”

Thios time, it was a scream. The first time Arthur ever heard Ruby scream. The first time… anybody had ever heard Ruby scream

And then, there was silence. And during that silence. Arthur realized… Ruby loved him. She really, truly loved him. And ever since they’ve known each other, this was the first time he had actually felt loved by her. And he realized… this is what he wanted all along. This is what he needed from her.

And… it felt amazing. To be loved by someone like Ruby… no… to be loved by Ruby and Ruby specifically felt amazing, in a way that nobody else could make him feel. He needed this. He didn’t deserve this, but he really really needed it.

Arthur started tearing up. This caused Ruby to start crying again, which made Arthur cry more, until both of them ended up crying uncontrollably.

After about a minute, they both slowly stopped crying. Ruby wiped her tears away. Arthur did the same, hugged Ruby back, and softly said:

“I’m… I’m sorry. I… I won’t let go either.”

Abandon

“There you are!” shouted Clara.

Aaron, indeed, was there, in their spaceship. It was the only place they could go. The only place that was left for them, really. They had thrown everything else away.

“I told you to not come after me, Clara!” they shouted.

Clara couldn’t help but slightly chuckle in response to this.

“You thought I would just, like… be okay with you disappearing?”

“No, I didn’t.” Aaron sighed. “I expected you to come after me. But I need to be alone. And you need… you need to accept that I’m just… gone.”

Suddenly, their voice turned more and more angry and intimidating.

“I told you… I warned you that one day I would leave you behind! It’s just what I do! It’s who I am! I abandon people Clara! And I’ve abandoned you!”

But Clara seemed mostly unfazed by this. With a calm and concerned tone of voice, she responded:

“Aaron… I just want to help you…”

“You wanna help me?” yelled Aron. “Then you can leave me alone! I just wanna be alone! I don’t… I don’t want you anymore! Go away!”

Clara knew that Aaron could be… difficult, and hard to reach. She knew they had a tendency to push people away and isolate themselves. But she also knew that, deep down, they didn’t want to do that, that they genuinely loved and cared about her.

However, hearing this was too much for her. Her composure broke and she started to cry. And as soon as she did, she could hear a voice come from the entrance of the spaceship.

“Liar.”

Aaron was confused. Although they expected Clara to come after them, they did not think Ruby would do the same. And yet, there she was, standing defiantly, holding a small piece of paper in her hand.

Naturally, Aaron first impulse was to defend themselves.

“I’m not a liar! I don’t want to be friends anymore! I… I am leaving and not coming back, Ruby!”

After Aaron spoke those words, a cold silence filled the air. Ruby slowly walked across to where Clara was, and placed her hand on her shoulder. After Clara’s sobbing faded, Ruby held the slip of paper high, looked at Aaron with a piercing gaze ,and took a deep breath.

“Those who’ll come back, say goodbye. Those who won’t, leave without a word.”

Her voice resounded and echoed throughout the spaceship. And it hit Aaron too.

But Aaron didn’t understand. What is she talking about? It makes no sense! It’s… the other way round, right? If you said goodbye… that means you committed to leaving, right? So why would she think…

And then, Aaron thought about all the times they had abandoned others. Their parents. Their previous friends. The academy they were a part of. And… not a single time did they say farewell. They left… without a word.

But this time… they didn’t. They wrote a letter. They made a big statement. But… why? Why did they do it this time? Aaron themselves didn’t really understand.

But Clara did, and in a solemn and tender tone of voice, she said the following:

“You said goodbye because you still care. You still love us and you still want to be close to us.”

Aaron grimaced. They hated to admit it to themselves, but… she was right. Aaron did still care about her. They care about all of the friends they made here on Earth.

“In that case…” they asked, in a much calmer, more sincere voice, “why did I leave?”

“You’re scared.” answered Ruby.

“Scared? Scared of what?” asked Aaron, in a tone of disbelief, but tinged with panic and worry.

“Of letting people too close.” Ruby replied monotonously.

In response, Aaron raised his voice, sounding insulted and outright hurt by this accusation.

“I am not! I am not afraid of intimacy! That doesn’t scare me at all! How dare you even suggest that!”

After that, another short silence fell. It was broken by Clara’s gentle, caring voice.

“Aaron… What are you afraid of? Why did you run away?”

Aaron grimaced again. There was no point in hiding how they felt. Ruby would figure it out eventually. She always does, that girl is a human lie detector.

So, Aaron explained themselves.

“I… I wanna be important. I wanna have… influence and power over other people’s lives. I never really did before, I was just… irrelevant. I was nobody.”

They sighed and rubbed their forehead before continuing.

“But now… now I do. I have… power over your lives. I have influence over all of you. My actions… actually matter to you. I’m… important to you.”

Suddenly, their calm demeanor became much more desperate and panicked

“And that’s freaky! It’s weird! It’s what I wanted but… it’s just… it’s… I could hurt you so much! I mess up all the time and now there’s real bad consequences if I do!”

“It’s just… scary.” they concluded, more calmly now. “Being powerful is scary.”

Once again, silence fell. Silence often falls when Ruby is around. But this time, she was the one to end it.

“This is your path to greatness. Follow it.”

Aaron stayed silent for a second, before chuckling. They looked down and spoke with dignity and determination:

“I suppose… I was always destined for greatness… and if that’s how I’ll get there… I’ll follow it… I’ll follow it to the very end.”

They looked back to Clara and Ruby, chuckled and smiled.

“Thank you… for being stepping stones for me!” they exclaimed, proudly and arrogantly.

Clara smiled in return. She knew what Aaron actually meant, and she was glad that she didn’t lose a friend after all.

Meanwhile, Ruby handed the note she was holding back to Aaron.

“You should read this too.”

Aaron could swear they could see her smile as she said this.

Put the Knife Down

CONTENT WARNING: This story is about dysphoria and self-harm.

“D-Delilah? What… what are you doing?”

Arthur timidly entered the kitchen, which he had seen Delilah walk into after she left the living room. Delilah had a habit of going off on her own due to her solitary nature, but still, something seemed very… wrong about her this time. She seemed uncharacteristically panicked and tense, her teeth were clenched, her brow was furrowed, and her breathing was so heavy she could be heard from the other side of the room.

But none of this caught Arthur’s attention. No, what worried him the most was the large knife she was holding, steadily pointed downwards above her left hand which was lying flat on the table.

“P-put that knife down!” he cried, in a terrified voice.

Delilah ignored his request.

“No. I need to do this.” she responded.

She was clearly trying to sound calm, but her voice was cracking and quivering, filled with a strange mixture of resolve and fear.

“I need to prove that I am a girl. And the way I do this… is by stabbing through my hand. If I do that, it means I am a girl. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I am a girl. Nobody can deny it. I win. I finally win.”

Arthur did not at all understand why stabbing herself was necessary for Delilah to prove that she was a girl. However, he understood very little about gender, so he was cautious about pushing back against that assertion. Still, he couldn’t help but ask:

“B-but… but everyone… I mean… nobody… no one thinks… no one’s denying you’re not a girl… I think… right?” He was very shaken by this situation, which did not do him any favors given his usual anxiety.

“Even if you are right… I need to prove it to myself. I will prove it, Arthur. You cannot stop me. I will do it, and I will finally lay this to rest”

Delilah’s determination strengthened as she said those words. And Arthur could feel it. He did not doubt that Delilah was capable of this. If anyone could do this, it was certainly her. And he didn’t believe he could stop her. He was far too weak, both physically and emotionally.

But there was still something he could do. And as he realized this, the fear that paralyzed him was replaced by a strong will to help his friend. His indecisiveness and anxiety was replaced by an impulsive drive that pushed to spring into action.

“In that case…”

As he said those words, Arthur ran towards Delilah. She braced herself for Arthur to attempt to grab the knife from her. Obviously, he would fail. She was much, much stronger than him.

But that’s not what happened. Instead, Arthur slapped his palm right on top of Delilah’s hand, as he shouted:

“…do it!”

Delilah, completely caught off-guard by this reaction from him, started shouting:

“Arthur! Do not try to stop me! Get that hand off me!”

Realizing what he had done, Arthur quickly went back to his senses, and started anxiously stammering:

“Oh… Oh gosh I’m.. I didn’t mean to.. I didn’t mean it in that way… I’m so sorry I… I didn’t mean… I didn’t want to guilt you… It was’t my intention… I didn’t want to… if you had to do it then… then I didn’t want to get in your way… if it was needed then yes… I didn’t want to stop you… I just… I really expected you to do it even… even with my hand… and I didn’t want to stop you really… and I…”

“You… expected me to stab both of us through the hand?” Delilah interrupted him, with a tone of disbelief in her voice.

“T-that’s… yeah!” he replied. “That’s… that was… that was the idea… kinda!”

This time, Delilah was the one who didn’t understand, and just had to ask:

“Why?”

“I… I just wanted to share your pain…” Arthur said, in calmer but also sadder tone. “If you really need to suffer in order to prove that you’re a girl… I don’t want you to suffer alone.”

Delilah sighed. This kid is going to get himself killed one day. And not in a noble, heroic sacrifice like Delilah imagined herself inevitably making, but in a really stupid, pointless way.

“Arthur.” she said sternly. “You are not sharing any pain here. You are only increasing it. Impaling you is not going to make me feel better. It would only make me feel worse!”

As Arthur whimpered out another apology in response, Delilah started to monologue, in a more melancholic tone this time.

“But impaling me will not make me feel better either… Deep down, I know that it will never remove the doubts that plague my mind… All I will have to show for it is a hole in my hand, a hole which would not be enough to definitively prove to myself that I am a girl… I cannot fight these demons with a knife. I can never slay them. I have no choice but to carry them with me and hope they simply… wither away.”

This speech was powerful and moving enough to end Arthur’s relentless self-pitying. Instead, he pitied Delilah, for having to carry such a burden, and admired her for her incredible strength. And… he also hoped there was something he could do to make her struggles easier.

“I… I want to help you fight them. Could there… is… can I do anything to help?”

Delilah thought about what to answer. It was hard for someone as proud as her to admit that she needed help. But given what would have happened had Arthur not reached out to her, it was undeniable. She could not truly fight alone.

“Just… be there for me when they attack me again. Having someone to listen to…” she hesitantly admitted, “does help.”

“And, if it comes to this again,” Delilah added, “just… tell me to put the knife down.”